Gender disappointment. It’s a bit of a taboo topic, despite a great deal more media attention in the past few years. And I’m going to admit that I fell victim to it.
When we were pregnant with Aiden, I was most definitely hoping for a girl. When we learned we were having a boy, I had a brief disappointment that I quickly dispelled with an “Oh well, maybe next time.”
I was actually a bit hopeful that we were having a girl this time – we tried to increase our chances and I convinced myself that my crazy pregnancy symptoms increased our “girl odds.” Well, “next time” has come and gone now, and we’re having another boy.
When faced with the news, I had to face what I was feeling: gender disappointment.
Let me make this clear: gender disappointment is not baby disappointment. I am going to love this new little boy ferociously. I will not wish that he is a girl – he will be simply perfect just the way he is.
For me, gender disappointment is about giving up a dream that I’ve admittedly always had. I have assumed, since I was a little girl, that I would have a little girl of my own “one day.” I didn’t even question it. I saved my most precious baby mementos to pass on to her. I saved favourite dolls and books and pink blankets. I dreamed of dressing up my little girl in purples and blues and leggings and sweater dresses. I dreamed of braiding her hair. I always knew that her middle name would be Elizabeth – for my Oma, a middle name I also share.
When faced with the ultrasound, I had to face my own assumptions. I’d prepared myself as best I could, but I was still hit by the reality: I would never have a little girl. That dream was gone; time to put it away. It took me a few days of being sad and doing a bit of self-examination about why a girl was important to me. I learned some things about myself, most definitely. I put away some issues that had bothered me my whole life. I tried to take it as a learning experience.
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We had our 3D ultrasound on Saturday to get to know our little baby. Just like with Aiden, this little baby didn’t want to share gender at our 20 week ultrasound, so we were excited to find out on Saturday. Aiden is having a little brother!
The best part of the ultrasound was getting to know our new little man. Our previous ultrasound didn’t show us face or profile, so we felt a little disconnected from him. Seeing his face and his personality during the 30-minute session really helped us connect with the baby as an individual. In just 30 minutes, we found out a lot about our little man:
- He lies transverse in my tummy, an unusual position. My uterus must be more like a football than a soccer ball at this point.
- He enjoys having his legs folded, feet at his head. Since there’s so much room (relatively) at this point, it’s obviously a preference
- He will suck on anything. Foot, arm, leg, umbilical cord.
- He spends most of his time trying to get something in his mouth. He would reach for, grab or otherwise manoeuvre himself to get the umbilical cord back in his mouth.
The pregnancy has been very different from that with Aiden, filling out our picture of the baby so far. All this information is definitely helping us get closer to choosing a name!
See all photos from the ultrasound here. For comparison, here are the photos from Aiden’s 3D ultrasound – his features were a little more clear – not continuously sucking on the umbilical cord probably helped. ;)
… And they are not likely to give it to you. At least not my toddler. The more we ‘need’ space, the less Aiden seems willing to play independently. He will cry and tantrum for movies, for books or for playing with one of us. He becomes completely incapable of independent play.
Such common times for this are when we are cooking, when Mommy is working or even during the day if I’m tired and ask for him to play. The more we ‘ask’ for independent play, the less it seems to happen.
As the pregnancy progresses, I find myself in need of more ‘me’ time, being both tired and a little wary of my two-child future. I’m finding I would like a little more ‘freedom’, even if it’s just 5 minutes where I’m not explaining something or reading a book. I spend even less time at home just so that Aiden is encouraged, by being out, to play on his own.
When independent play happens at home, it’s awesome and it can last a long time. But I have learned that it cannot be asked for.
*sigh*
I put my back out on Saturday night, the second time this pregnancy. The first time my uterus shifted and the baby temporarily sat on a nerve. On Saturday, after organizing our livingroom for the Christmas tree, I unthinkingly bent over ‘one last time’ and didn’t bend my knees. Immediate spasm. Really bad.
I’ve strained my low back before, but never as bad as this. The last time that came close was in high school, and before that my original low back injury at age 11 when I took a bad fall.
I was hoping that I’d feel better after sleeping. No such luck. Somehow I managed to sleep through the night in obscure positions, struggling every few hours to get up and pee (thanks pregnancy). By morning, I was spasming constantly. The mornings have been the worst, after the strain of sleeping on my side or back all night.
That morning, in tears, I decided I needed help. I wasn’t going to make it through the weekend without some pain management. We spent 3 hours in the hospital, me pacing most of that time to avoid sitting, before I was given narcotics. A hard choice to make when pregnant. The dose was small, but it was enough to take the edge off.
I had to take the narcotic twice on Sunday and once on Monday morning and Tuesday morning again, recovering still from all the massage and chiropractic treatments I had on Monday. It was hard not to be able to pick up or sit with my son. To not be able to even put on my own socks.
Today I was able to drive and mostly take care of Aiden, though Ianiv worked at home to help me get Aiden in and out of the car and his crib. I managed my pain with Tylenol and ice only. Hopefully another week and I will feel better.
Aiden didn’t love not being able to play with me or be carried, but he’s had lots of love. And books. Here is how he spent most of his time with grandmas, who had to ditch work to help me:
This past weekend, I went with Nicola to the Modern Mama brunch held at the Brock House for Pregnancy Awareness Month. I didn’t attend any pregnancy events with my first pregnancy, so it was all new to me, in a way. It’s different being pregnant with people you know, that’s for sure!
Check out our complimentary portrait – I also won a newborn photoshoot with the same photographer.
Modern Mama hosts events for to-be or new families on topics ranging from fashion to parenting. For example, they are just about to host an event on sleep featuring the same sleep consultant we used with Aiden.
Despite the fact that I’m not a new mama, and this is not my first pregnancy, I did manage to learn some new things from the set of speakers that were on hand for the brunch. I learned, for example, that belly support after birth does have a more-than-just-aesthetic purpose (thx FitnessDoula). Go figure!
Disclosure: I was invited to the Modern Mama event but was not asked to write a post. I also have a continued working relationship with the sleep consultant featured in their next event.
